Man, the off-season is so boring. I mostly in front of my computer all day looking for cool videos and pictures of Ben Wallace. Fresh news about the Master are hard to come by, so I just have to imagine what he might be doing at any given moment. Like right now, he's probably having a nice meal at a cool restaurant with his wife Chanda and his two children, Bryce and whatever name the other kid has. He's just there chilling out and this whore shows her tits to the Master in a feeble attempt at luring him away from his wife, but Chanda gets up an sticks a fork into her ass. That would be so cool.
Anyways, I was remembering the finals the other day. I was watching the game with two chics, one on each side, porking them during the commercials. So at some moment the kick-ass announcer says "Some dip-shit redneck couple decided to name their son Ginobilli, and Ginobilli said he was honored". Well, I got news for you: your son will be a cock-sucking bastard who can't play.
It was hard concentrating on the game while wondering how the world can host such an enormous amount of stupidity, so when the game was over these chics invited me over to their hotel. I went under one condition: we would have un-protected sex and if they got pregnant they would have to name their bastard son Ben, and then they'd have to marry some "Wallace" guy and pass the last name to the bastard kid.
I mean, I'm not sure if Master Wallace would approve it, but it would sure cool.
AND, the kid would probably grow up to be someone very important. Just take a look at all these "Ben Wallace's" around the world:
Ben Wallace - the hockey player
Just guess what position he plays. Ok, I'll help you out chump: defense. Not much info on this guy, but he went to Cornell Unversity, whick kicks ass and now plays with the Odessa Cantelopes. I'm sure he got laid plenty at Cornell, I mean, his name helps but I'm sure the guy kicks ass.
Ben Wallace, the game developer
A long while ago I played Halo 2 with my midget friend, we had plenty of fun blasting aliens and stuff. When we finished the game the credits started rolling up and the name "Ben Wallace" scrolled up. Man, I was so exited, I told my midget friend - "Hey cripple, take a look, Ben Wallace developed the game!". For some reason he didn't respond and he left the room crying. Whatever. Let me tell you: Halo 2 is the best game ever. And it couldn't be other way - Ben Wallace developed it after all.
Ben Wallace - The politician
Don't be fooled by his rosy cheeks, this guy has character. Just take a look at his profile: Tackling youth crime in Lancaster and Wyre is also an issue which Ben has been at the forefront off - working closely with council leaders and the police to prevent troublemakers from out of the area ruining the lives of law-abiding residents in towns like Thornton and Poulton. I'll translate this politics shit for the chumps in the public: he like ruining youths lives. And that kicks ass.
Ben Wallace - Extreme biker
I was trying to find the appropiate words to describe this guy, let's just say he's the epitome of a real man. Demonstrating science while doing extreme stunts can't be more manly. Just take a look at the article: The London launch of Einstein Year was publicised with a remarkable BMX stunt, something organisers hope many youngsters will appreciate.
The manoeuvre - dubbed the "Einstein Flip - was devised by Cambridge University physicist Helen Czerski together with Ben Wallace, one of the UK's top international extreme-sports riders.
Ben Wallace - The reporter
I don't know much about press, but I'm sure this guy handles his shit first class. Take a look at what he has written: Female boxing is brutal and hopeless. Just a politically correct way of saying it sucks, and nothing is better than two real men beating the crap out of each other.
*****************
The conclusion is evident: since you and I are not named Ben Wallace, we don't stand a chance in life. But we can change all that: if you're female, just get a Wallace husbande, and if you're male, get a transexual operation and marry a Wallace. Then adopt a kid.
Just kidding. Just do what I did.
Man, I've been hitting the gym, eating all my protein supplements and praying to Master Wallace on a dialy basis, but I just don't get more muscle. So I searched for any secret Ben Wallace might have so I can get as big as he is.
I didn't find the answer but I did find this photo of when he played at Virgina Union:
Visit this huge ass-kicking photo.
As you can see, Master Wallace was HUGE even back in his college days. Which leads me to believe that Ben was born ripped.
Yeah, I'm sure about that. I mean, I'm sure Ben kicked his mother's womb so hard that she was thinking in abortion. She would be standing there, waiting for the bus and then *BANG* rounhouse kick from baby wallace and she'd go flying against a wall. Sure, it wasn't Ben's intention, but her mom had to look for her health right?
So she went to an abortion clinic, the doctor said there was no problem. As he proceeded inserting the abortion tools to extract Master Wallace, Ben just grabbed the metal tools and made knots of them with his bare hands. Then, as the doctor pulled out his crappy tools, he tried to get a closer look by getting his face closer. Then *BAM* a little feet comes out and transforms the doctor's face into shit. He goes flying backwards and his skull shatters against the wall, spilling brains all over the place.
Then Ben's mom knew he was something special.
