The Ben Wallace Fan Page

I knew it!

I was concerned about the last losses of the Pistons, the haven't been performing very well. You don't need to be an expert to figure out that Ben Wallace is the cause of this. Since Wallace took out his own appendix by bitting through his stomach, coach Brown has been holding him from playing. Becuase he can't resist blocking shot. I was watching him from the sidelines, he was almost jumping from his seat to grab rebounds and block shots, but he was restrained. Well, I really wasn't there but I know it happened.

From the Article:

Through four exhibition games the Pistons have looked uncharacteristically human on defense. Good news from Thursday's practice, then: Help is on the way.

Either Friday night when the Pistons play Washington at the Palace or Sunday when they host Utah, good old Ben Wallace will be back for the defending NBA champions.

His team certainly needs him. Wednesday's 92-83 loss to Washington dropped Detroit to 1-3 in the exhibition season. The worst part is how the Pistons have fallen to that record_especially the 99 turnovers that have helped opponents average 88.5 points.

Those numbers should go down when Wallace returns.

Stupid pundits, stating the obvious

Ben Wallace - Master Blocker the movie

Ok, I’ve after reading this article” about Ben Wallace I’m convinced I was born to do the Ben Wallace Movie. The article is about the seven moments that shaped Ben Wallace’s career. However, as in negro diver, we all know movies have to be more dramatic than real life. Here I’ll make a translation from the article to my movie:

When we begin this story, Ben Wallace is just a teenager. A poor kid from a huge family, he has saved the money he has earned from picking pecans and cutting hair in his small town of White Hall, Ala., and he has paid to attend a basketball camp hosted by Charles Oakley of the New York Knicks. There are lots of kids — rambunctious, big-dreaming kids — and they’re making noise and their attention span is short. And Oakley, who is trying to address them, is exasperated.

Ok, here we will replace Oakley for Russell, an old school blocker. And Wallace won’t be picking pecans and cutting hair, he’ll be an oil driller, just like those tough guys in Armageddon, but he’ll be the same caliber at the age of 13.

Finally he bellows, “OK, if y’all think you know it all, who’s gonna step up and play me one-on-one?” Wallace, who was quiet the whole time, looks around. And then someone points at him and yells, “He’ll play you!”

When the other kid says “he’ll play you!” Wallace will grab his neck and breaks it single handed. Russell will gulp and piss his pants, but he has to mantain face in front of the kids, so he plays Wallace.

He takes the ball and starts in on Oakley, at the time one of the toughest and nastiest players in the NBA. And Ben bloodies his lip. And Oakley bloodies Ben’s lip, too. They pound on each other. And when it is over, the two bleeding players exchange glances and Oakley says, “Now, if you play like that all the time, maybe you’ll have a chance.” And he gives him his phone number.

This is so lame. I’ll have to rewrite all this: Wallace grabs the ball and tells Russell “You’re gonna die mutherfucker” and Russell turn his back on Wallace as he tries to run, but wallace, in slo-mo does a stunt dunk just as in NBA Ballers, and as he is stepping on his head, bullet time arrives! The camera swivels around the scene just about Wallace is about to dunk. Bullet time expires and Wallace blocks his own dunk. How cool is that?

More on “Ben Wallace - Master Blocker” later

Furthering my career

Now that I’m almost done with my Bachealor’s Degree I’ve been thinking about the future, and I found three possible routes:

Movie Director

The other day I saw a movie about a guy who enrolls in the navy to become a Master Chief Diver. I think it was called “negro diver”, because the guy was black and he had to fight all these cocky white guys. The movie gave me a great idea: “Ben Wallace, a true story”. The starts with kiddy wallace working in a cotton field with his 10 siblings, the kid is extremely ripped for his age, and has huge traps. Being (almost) the younger one his older brothers start harassing him, trying to hit him. But Benny blocks all the blows and then out of nowhere comes an explosion and the title of the movie appears:

“Ben Wallace: Master of Blocks”

Then the story goes on from being undrafted to becoming the greatest super star in the NBA. Great idea huh?

Becoming a talented center for the Detroit Pistons

I lied some posts before: I’m not taller than Yao Ming, I’m just 5’11. But Wallace is the best blocker and rebounder in the world at just 6’9, while most guys in his category are 7’ or more. Wallace showed us that height isn’t an issue, so my mission will be becoming the most dominant center in the NBA. It’s just a matter of dedication and hard work. There’s a second problem too, I’m 24 years old and I have no basketball experience, well Horace Jenkins of the Pistons is a novice at 30, so I have plenty of time to develop my blocking and rebounding skills, coach Brown likes older guys, so reserve the #1 draft pick for the 2010 Pistons!

Becoming Vice-ruler of the world along with Master Ben Wallace

This is my favorite. After Wallace assures world domination, he’ll notice this humble fan page and make my his closest councealor. I don’t have the credentials for this position, so I’ll get a PhD in blocks and a Masters in rebounds, and probably a Bachealors in steals too. Beware ballers!

Ben Wallace Bobblehead

Ok, whoever payed for this bobblehead of Ben Wallace must have shit instead of brains. I’ll quote this from the official pistons page :

Forever Collectibles, who used multiple photographs of Wallace to provide exceptional detail, right down to the tattoos and sneakers, manufactured the bobblehead.

Here’s the photograph:

Ben Wallace ain’t called Body for nothing chumps. I’m ashamed of you pistons! That bobblehead looks awfully soft. Exceptional detail my ass, I can’t see his bulging biceps.

Now, Pistons, if you do something similar in the future, call me. I’ll help you chumps construct the perfect Wallace statue. I’d cast it in a material as strong as Master Wallace’s body: solid metal. Michelangelo’s David will look soft compared to this version of wallace. He’ll breathe fire through his nose and burn down Lakers and Bostons fans houses, oh yeah, another step in the master’s scheme of world domination.

Ben Wallace & Andrei Kirilenko

Ben Wallace and AK 47 should be both in Detroit, why? well...

Take a look at this table, both master kiri and master wallace beat the shit out of stupid Garnett. Kirilenko is one of the most underrated players in the league. We should put Garnett in a cannon and fire him into wall. Well, not really, but from today and on I'm starting a new campaign called "MASTER WALLACE AND MASTER KIRI ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER", yep, you heard me right.

Basketball should be more like soccer

I was reading some pistons stuff the other day when I saw this:

In case you don’t understand, it’s a piece that says the pistons have the lowest scoring average during playoffs.

Well, I’m here to tell you this is wrong

Basketball should be more like soccer, where a 0-0 tie is very common. 6 goals (added from both teams) seldom happens. Well, basketball should be like this.

If we had a team of pure blockers (as opposed to “pure shooters” - I hate that word), scores would plummet, and basketball would become a game for real men. This is the ideal score:

Pistons 1 - Oposing team 0

See? That’s a perfect score.

I've got your 2008 gold medal right here

I’ve talked about the poor performance of the US team during the olympics before. Well, I got the solution for the next olympics:

Yeah, that’s right. Clonation. Much has been said about it: it can cure cancer, cripples and midgets (like my friend), but who cares if we can CLONE BEN WALLACE!

Just imagine a team full of Wallace’s. They would form a circle under the basket and block ALL the shots!

“But who will score!?” I hear you cry, well, scoring is for pussies and midgets. Blocking is for REAL MEN. At the last minute one of the Wallace’s would grab a block, and calmly walk to the other basket and make an auto Alley-oop. (alley-oops are the only way real men can score).

That’s why Wallace is so bad at the free throw line. If he wanted, he’d just make those baskets, but he knows they are not “manly”, and nobody knows better than wallace of manliness.

The Ben Wallace Song

Oh man, this is so good, I’ll have this playing on my computer all day long:

Streaming MP3 courtesy of Skillz

It has a short interview with Master Wallace at the begginning, this is what Shaq had to say (rap) about it:

“I heard your little interview and what Ben Wallace said. I aint got no response for spider-web head,” O’Neal raps.

“Even with wings you never as fly as me,” he continues. “You remind me of Kobe Bryant trying to be as high as me … but you can’t … even if you get me traded … wherever I’m at, I’m Puffy; you Mase and you’re still hated.”

What a sore loser, if I ever get to see the Shaq I’ll bust his ass in three seconds (look at the photo below).

Full story here

This is sad

A while ago I was musing about buying a Wallace Jersey… It costs about $50 in Amazon:

But then I thought demonstrating my Wallace Fanness with a Wallace Jersery isn’t good enough. All those pussies who don’t know how to block and yet they wear wallace wigs and jerseys. So I got a tatoo on the back of my head:

Sorry for showing off my guns (arms) but I used this photo for a body building forum. Of course Master Wallace has bigger guns, I wish I was as ripped as he is.

Wallace is better than Duncan

The other day I was playing NBA Ballers with my so-called friend, he chose Isiah Thomas you already know who I chose.

Needless to say, I kicked his ass.

"Well, a big guy will always win over a small one" - Escuse me? I've been saying this every day and you finally accept it. He used to say small players were good because he's slightly taller than a midget with no legs, and I'm slightly taller than Yao Ming.

Then my friend, barely being able to grasp the controller with his midget sized hands, chose Timmy Duncan. I lauged my ass off, no offense to Tim Duncan, he's somewhat good, but not comparable to Master Wallace. Here's a transcript of the game:

Duncan drives for the basket, wallace BLOCKS!
Wallace grabs the ball in the air and does a reverse dunk
Repeat 100x

Next time you play against master wallace, think again, it's better to foreit against wallace than get your ass mopped around the floor.